I’m a fan of College Parent Central, a blog mainly written for parents of college students. Blogger, Vicki Nelson recently did a three-part series about “Helicopter Parents.” As I read the articles, the dreaded term “stage mom” came to mind. Parents of university-bound students are not the only ones who “hover,” and therefore, Vicki’s positive message about redefining and examining parental involvement in a child’s life certainly has applications in the dance world. So, I thought I’d share these articles with you – just follow the links below. Enjoy!

Affirming “Helicopter Parents”: Redefining the Title

This is the first of three posts that consider the concept of college helicopter parents.  The concept is certainly not new, but it warrants continual examination – and sometimes redefinition.  In this post, we look at the definition of helicopter parents, as well as some of the motivation behind parental hovering.  In our next post, we will examine who helicopter parents are and how they operate, and in our final post, we will consider the consequences of helicoptering and suggest some possible ways in which parents might hover productively.

Is all hovering bad? What are the negatives? The positives?

How involved should a parent be in a child’s dance education?

What are the indicators that a parent’s hovering is producing negative results?

Parents, students, and teachers, I welcome your thoughts on the subject!

© Nichelle Strzepek for Dance Advantage, 2009. | Permalink | 5 comments | Category: Blog, College and Career, For Parents, For Parents of Competitors, For Parents of Teens, For Parents of Young Children

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Just because a pursuit is artistic, does not mean it is immune to the same negativity that can sometimes permeate the competitive sports atmosphere. We’ve all seen the screaming parents on the sideline at sporting events. But you know, offending guardians in the arts have their own label…. Stage Parents!

Though there are plenty of stage parents outside of competitive dance, the sport-like atmosphere of competing can bring out the worst in some. Still, just like sports, competitive dance has great potential to motivate students and increase self-confidence in young performers,  plus there’s the opportunity to broaden minds and discover a variety of dance styles or modes of expression… The list goes on, for there is certainly much that can be gained.

A parental approach which supports and encourages the positive aspects of an experience is the same, regardless of the activity or discipline.

I’m still new at parenting. Yet, I’ve already found success in applying some of the principles below with my toddler. Consequently, I’ve found they are fundamentally good guidelines in teaching and in leadership/management roles, as well. If you are the parent of a competitive dancer, I encourage you to share your own thoughts, views, and advice below this post.

“As a parent, how do you encourage and reinforce the positive aspects of competitive dance?”

By supporting and building the self-reliance (confidence) of dancers with your actions

A.C.T.T

Approval – Dancers need to know that their 100% effort equals your 100% approval.

• Show interest in the process not just the product. Learning to dance is an endeavor that takes time and perseverance. Learning and performing choreography is only part of that process but it easily becomes the primary focus when students are competing. Ask your child questions about what they are discovering about movement, about the art form, about themselves throughout their training. This keeps performance and competition in its place (where it belongs) as just another part of the process.
• Be aware of what you are communicating. We convey, with our bodies and with our actions, perhaps more than we could ever say with words. Showing that a mistake is not a big deal, that you are proud of a child’s efforts, that opposing teams are not the enemy, that not receiving a trophy is an opportunity rather than a disaster, that teachers and judges deserve respect is important. Action and reaction speak volumes.
• Appreciate their achievements – I’ve written about methods of praising achievement before in Appraising the Value of Praise. The article explores the difference between praise that describes the accomplishment rather than evaluating the child for succeeding (or failing) at a skill. It also offers tips for being specific when you offer praise.

Comfort – Dancers need you to help them work through disappointments and errors

• Discuss mistakes and ways to improve when your child is ready. Immediately following the performance is not the time. The appropriate time will depend on your child. However, when the moment comes, remember that discussion is key. Begin with a question, not with your solution. Listen. Help them to assess and learn from their mistakes rather than give advice on how they can be better.
• Resist joining ‘em when you can’t beat ‘em. It can be frustrating when teachers, other parents, and students around you or your child behave inappropriately or negatively. It is natural for parents to want to jump to their child’s defense when he/she is mistreated or unfavorably affected by the actions of someone else. When dealing with negativity, don’t stoop to a similar or lower level to deal with it. Instead, regard this as an opportunity to model and teach your child about appropriate and positive behavior. If your child’s safety (physical or mental) is at risk, approach the offender with calm (take a breath before choosing your action) and with respect, and consider removal from the situation if it is in your child’s best interest.
• Recognize that not all hurts require a Band-Aid. As mentioned above, parents feel compelled to protect their children. Sometimes parents will stop at nothing to find ways to fix a problem or just make their child’s hurt or disappointment go away. Often what the child needs most is someone to help them put things in perspective and learn to accept things they cannot or need not change. (also see Trust below)

Trust – Dancers need to be able to trust you and learn to trust in themselves

• Nurture trust in abilities – The goal is to raise an individual that can do for him/herself the majority of the time – sew elastic on her own ballet slippers, communicate effectively with teachers or peers, stand up for himself, be on time, etc. When you do things your child could do for himself, you undermine her self-trust.
• Be reliable – Children need to trust that you’ll always be there to offer them support when they need it. They need to trust you’ll not embarrass them by reacting negatively to a situation in front of friends or teachers. They need to trust that you’ll be consistent in upholding your values and priorities. They need to trust you’ll listen to their thoughts and desires. They need to trust that your dreams for them won’t overshadow their own dreams.

Truth – Dancers need you to be realistic

• Encourage them to do their best, not be the best. The truth is, there is no such thing as “the best,” just varying degrees of capability. Wipe the idea from your mind that a child could, would, or should be “the best” if only _______. Help children to focus on learning, growing, refining their skills so that they can best themselves.
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  Photo by Melinda Shelton

  Help them to remain focused on goals. Competitors that focus on winning or receiving a medal/reward lose perspective. They may push hard until they are awarded or surpass their competition but lose their motivation once they’ve done so. Competitors that focus on self-improvement (as an individual and/or as a a team) by setting both short-term and long-term goals experience continual success. They push themselves to succeed because even those small achievements are thrilling to attain. Parents can talk with children about the goals they’d like to set for themselves, about the goals their teacher has mentioned, and help them celebrate and even document their achievements.

• Keep it real. The truth is that no one is good at everything. Mistakes are inevitable. You really can’t win them all. Nobody is perfect. Winning an award, a trophy, a scholarship is not something you can control – your own performance is. We learn more from failures than victories. Not everyone will become a professional dancer. Dreams and goals can change. Sometimes you just don’t get what you want. Often, meeting goals takes time, patience, and determination.
  Mariangela, a dance mom who is keeping it real, offered a great piece of advice in her guest contribution here at Dance Advantage: “Be sure to love your child unconditionally. It’s easy to judge and criticize when we invest a lot of our time and energy (and money) into something. At the end of the day, they are your babies, your child before anything else.” Read the rest of her insightful article here.

Like a flower that continues to grow when all is against it, even negative environments have spawned beauty. But only the hearty survive. To grow a garden of children that value dance as an art form, value themselves and those around them, and flourish not only in dance but in life, requires that adults (teachers and parents) make every effort to provide favorable conditions. It doesn’t happen just because the potential is there.

I have written this post in response to a blogging contest run by Liberty Mutual’s ResponsibleSports.com. They are offering prizes but, more importantly, I felt the topic was relevant to Dance Advantage  readers. I hope you find this post equals the standard of the others here. I was pleased to find that ResponsibleSports is really an excellent resource which provides parents with tips on how to talk with children and with coaches, and offers tools to accentuate the positives in team sports. Their materials most certainly apply to dance and I encourage you to visit and check it out for yourself!

© Nichelle Strzepek for Dance Advantage, 2009. | Permalink | One comment - ADD YOURS! | Category: Blog, Featured, For Parents, For Parents of Competitors, For Parents of Teens, Toolbox, Wellness

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Life as a Dance Mom

Colleen Dishy Photography

We buy their first ballet shoes (and dozens thereafter), their leotards, tutus, warm-up’s, bags and other gear. We take them to classes – lots and lots of classes. We do their hair. We volunteer at their performances, doing makeup, folding programs, ushering patrons, sewing costumes, doing anything we can to make our child’s experience with dance as fulfilling as possible.

We are often the forgotten heroes, the cheerleaders taken for granted. We get nervous with them before performances and auditions, and we are always there for the triumphs as well as the heart breaks.

Encouraging Arts Activities in a New Age

Colleen Dishy Photography

I have been a “dance mom” for 9 years now and I have learned that there is a fine and delicate line between a supportive and encouraging parent and the dreaded “Stage Mom”. It is my hope, in this space, to give you some tools to help your dancer become whoever he or she wants to be, while helping you to maintain your sanity and their love. So no matter how far they decide to take their dance career, they will value the support and encouragement you gave and thank you for it.

“If my parents had only encouraged my (insert personal childhood passion here), then I may be doing something different as an adult.” Sound familiar to any of you? I know I have said it myself many times. Our parents’ generation focused more on the basics; work, bills, bowling league, bridge club, etc. Rarely did they think of altering the family’s life style, budget and time for the sake of the children, much less for something like DANCE!? In my family, it was just unheard of.

Colleen Dishy Photography

Times have changed, and this new age of parents is encouraging art in their children’s lives. Ironically (and unfortunately) it’s at a time when the Public Schools are discouraging them by cutting funds for extracurricular programs, but I digress…

So what can you do to be supportive of your child’s love for dance? How can you nurture the LOVE for dance and still encourage the discipline side of it when they hit a certain age, and WHEN do you know what age to take things to the “next level?”

One Mom’s Nine Thoughts

Here are my opinions, and they are simply my opinions – a humble offering to you from a mother who has literally driven thousands of miles down this long road; no laws or written rules, just personal experiences of things I’ve found to “work.”

1. When they are young, be sure to find a school that fosters and nurtures your child’s LOVE for dance. A lot of parents seem to think they need to find an “accredited” or “professional” school when kids are young and displaying an early penchant for dance. I disagree; if they love it, find a school that caters to your child’s passion with gentle discipline and fun activities.
2. “Check in” with your child regularly, each semester perhaps. As often as you’re paying tuition, it’s important to know whether or not your child’s love for dance is still there; ask them if they have any issues or concerns. If at anytime dance is no longer fun, it’s time to reassess the value of the classes.
3. Resist the urge to live vicariously through your dancer. What mother/girl (or rare breed of dad) did not entertain the idea of being a dancer for at least a moment during their childhood? Few, if any I’d bet. Don’t try to relive that through your child. This needs to be THEIR dream and THEIR desire. And if it’s less than a desire, consider what or who else is pushing them.
4. Be an honest critic, be realistic. The dance world is extremely competitive. If your child is at an age when things are getting serious (4+ days of dance a week, hundreds and hundreds of dollars in annual tuition costs, etc.), don’t be the parent that thinks their child is the best in the class. Talk to your child about their teacher evaluations and help them remember the importance of solid fundamentals like stretching, rehearsing, practicing.
   

   Colleen Dishy Photography

5. During their teens is when kids either phase out of dance or become obsessed with it. Leave that decision up to them, but be sure to support it. They will NEED someone to remind them to do tedious and important things if they stick with it, and they will need someone to help them find a new path if they quit. BE that person.
6. When they are showing promise and are ready for more work and commitment, THAT’S when its time to find an “accredited” school. Do your homework and find a safe and healthy environment that kicks up the level of classes and discipline.
7. Prepare them for the rejection that comes with auditions. Let them know how proud you are of them no matter what the outcome, and be the consolation and shoulder to cry on for those hard falls (they get harder as they get older).
8. As they get older, try not to enable. Make sure that they learn to do their own hair, care for their shoes etc. Some schools make it a rite of passage, so that a girl cannot go onto point until she learned to sew her own shoes. Encourage these rites of tradition.
9. Prepare for your dancer to want to be a “fireman” one day. I say this to people who tell me “it’s amazing that your daughter already knows what she wants to be at this young age!” I am totally prepared for her to change her mind. She is only 12! Even if she was 16, 18, 20! Some of us don’t discover our path until later in life! Point is, don’t pressure them!

In closing… this 10th is #1

Mariangela and Madison

Be sure to love your child unconditionally. It’s easy to judge and criticize when we invest a lot of our time and energy (and money) into something. At the end of the day, they are your babies, your child before anything else. So they forgot their cue in the Nutcracker and messed up the timing, life goes on. Make sure the hug after the show is even bigger, they will need it. And if, one day, they are fortunate enough to become professional dancers and you are lucky enough to see them in their prime, on stage, dancing the most beautiful Pas De Deux ever seen, you can be proud knowing that you played a part in making this healthy, beautiful dancer. More importantly, your child will realize it and thank you.

Mariangela Abeo is a mother, wife, entrepreneur, volunteer and friend. Her first and most important job is as a mother. Her other jobs consist of working with her husband in the Seattle music industry, doing dreadlock maintenance and writing for her blog, Dinner and a Movie, and taking her child to and from dance 4 days a week. You can also follow Mariangela on Twitter!

© Guest Contributors for Dance Advantage, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Category: Blog, For Parents, For Parents of Competitors, For Parents of Teens

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