Accentuate the Positive

Parents help competitive dance live up to its potential

Just because a pursuit is artistic, does not mean it is immune to the same negativity that can sometimes permeate the competitive sports atmosphere. Offending guardians in the arts even have their own label…. Stage Parents!

Though there are plenty of stage parents outside of competitive dance, the sport-like atmosphere of competing can bring out the worst in some dance parents. Still many recognize that competitive dance has great potential to motivate students, increase self-confidence in young performers, broaden minds to include a variety of dance styles and types of expression… The list goes on, for there is certainly much that can be gained.

“As a parent, how do you encourage and reinforce the positive aspects of youth sports?”

The folks at ResponsibleSports.com are asking bloggers to address this question. Competitive dance may not specifically be on the minds of the organizers. However, a parental approach which supports and encourages is fundamentally the same, regardless of the activity or discipline.

I’m still new at parenting. Yet, I’ve already found success in applying some of the principles below with my toddler. Consequently, I’ve found they are fundamentally good rules of thumb in teaching and in leadership/management roles, as well. If you are the parent of a competitive dancer, I encourage you to share your own thoughts, views, and advice below this post.

So, how DO you encourage and reinforce the positive aspects of competitive dance?

By supporting and building the self-reliance (confidence) of dancers with your actions

A.C.T.T

Approval – Dancers need to know that their 100% effort equals your 100% approval.

• Show interest in the process not just the product. Learning to dance is an endeavor that takes time and perseverance. Learning and performing choreography is only part of that process but it easily becomes the primary focus when students are competing. Ask your child questions about what they are discovering about movement, about the art form, about themselves throughout their training. This keeps performance and competition in its place (where it belongs) as just another part of the process.
• Be aware of what you are communicating. We convey, with our bodies and with our actions, perhaps more than we could ever say with words. Showing that a mistake is not a big deal, that you are proud of a child’s efforts, that opposing teams are not the enemy, that not receiving a trophy is an opportunity rather than a disaster, that teachers and judges deserve respect is important. Action and reaction speak volumes.
• Appreciate their achievements – I’ve written about methods of praising achievement before in Appraising the Value of Praise. The article explores the difference between praise that describes the accomplishment rather than evaluating the child for succeeding (or failing) at a skill. It also offers tips for being specific when you offer praise.

Comfort – Dancers need you to help them work through disappointments and errors

• Discuss mistakes and ways to improve when your child is ready. Immediately following the performance is not the time. The appropriate time will depend on your child. However, when the moment comes, remember that discussion is key. Begin with a question, not with your solution. Listen. Help them to assess and learn from their mistakes rather than give advice on how they can be better.
• Resist joining ‘em when you can’t beat ‘em. It can be frustrating when teachers, other parents, and students around you or your child behave inappropriately or negatively. It is natural for parents to want to jump to their child’s defense when he/she is mistreated or unfavorably affected by the actions of someone else. When dealing with negativity, don’t stoop to a similar or lower level to deal with it. Instead, regard this as an opportunity to model and teach your child about appropriate and positive behavior. If your child’s safety (physical or mental) is at risk, approach the offender with calm (take a breath before choosing your action) and with respect, and consider removal from the situation if it is in your child’s best interest.
• Recognize that not all hurts require a Band-Aid. As mentioned above, parents feel compelled to protect their children. Sometimes parents will stop at nothing to find ways to fix a problem or just make their child’s hurt or disappointment go away. Often what the child needs most is someone to help them put things in perspective and learn to accept things they cannot or need not change. (also see Trust below)

Trust – Dancers need to be able to trust you and learn to trust in themselves

• Nurture trust in abilities – The goal is to raise an individual that can do for him/herself the majority of the time – sew elastic on her own ballet slippers, communicate effectively with teachers or peers, stand up for himself, be on time, etc. When you do things your child could do for himself, you undermine her self-trust.
• Be reliable – Children need to trust that you’ll always be there to offer them support when they need it. They need to trust you’ll not embarrass them by reacting negatively to a situation in front of friends or teachers. They need to trust that you’ll be consistent in upholding your values and priorities. They need to trust you’ll listen to their thoughts and desires. They need to trust that your dreams for them won’t overshadow their own dreams.

Truth – Dancers need you to be realistic

• Encourage them to do their best, not be the best. The truth is, there is no such thing as “the best,” just varying degrees of capability. Wipe the idea from your mind that a child could, would, or should be “the best” if only _______. Help children to focus on learning, growing, refining their skills so that they can best themselves.
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  Photo by Melinda Shelton

  Help them to remain focused on goals. Competitors that focus on winning or receiving a medal/reward lose perspective. They may push hard until they are awarded or surpass their competition but lose their motivation once they’ve done so. Competitors that focus on self-improvement (as an individual and/or as a a team) by setting both short-term and long-term goals experience continual success. They push themselves to succeed because even those small achievements are thrilling to attain. Parents can talk with children about the goals they’d like to set for themselves, about the goals their teacher has mentioned, and help them celebrate and even document their achievements.

• Keep it real. The truth is that no one is good at everything. Mistakes are inevitable. You really can’t win them all. Nobody is perfect. Winning an award, a trophy, a scholarship is not something you can control – your own performance is. We learn more from failures than victories. Not everyone will become a professional dancer. Dreams and goals can change. Sometimes you just don’t get what you want. Often, meeting goals takes time, patience, and determination.
  Mariangela, a dance mom who is keeping it real, offered a great piece of advice in her guest contribution here at Dance Advantage: “Be sure to love your child unconditionally. It’s easy to judge and criticize when we invest a lot of our time and energy (and money) into something. At the end of the day, they are your babies, your child before anything else.” Read the rest of her insightful article here.

Like a flower that continues to grow when all is against it, even negative environments have spawned beauty. But only the hearty survive. To grow a garden of children that value dance as an art form, value themselves and those around them, and flourish not only in dance but in life, requires that adults (teachers and parents) make every effort to provide favorable conditions. It doesn’t happen just because the potential is there.

I have written this post in response to a blogging contest run by Liberty Mutual’s ResponsibleSports.com. They are offering prizes but, more importantly, I felt the topic was relevant to Dance Advantage  readers. I hope you find this post equals the standard of the others here. I was pleased to find that ResponsibleSports is really an excellent resource which provides parents with tips on how to talk with children and with coaches, and offers tools to accentuate the positives in team sports. Their materials most certainly apply to dance and I encourage you to visit and check it out for yourself!

I Can’t!

Can’t Can’t Can’t

Do you find yourself saying or thinking this word? When you consider it, it seems really silly that out of everything we practice in class (most of which we’re quite good at), we choose to focus only on what we have trouble with. Teachers, too, often forget that their students need to hear the accomplishments as well as the corrections. If we’re not careful, those little voices inside begin telling us all about what we “can’t” do. We begin to fear anything new or untried, and fear not being good enough or even failing at the things we do try.

I know how it feels to think you’re the only one in class who can’t get it right. The key is to not let it take you off the path – quitting or giving up on yourself because you’re not perfect. Stay grounded in the fact that everyone has something they’re reaching for, everyone has something they’re good at, and everyone has something to give. Remembering your strengths and abilities will sustain you through the “I can’t!” moments and allow you to continue striving for those goals that are just out of reach.

Even if you only struggle with the “I can’t” syndrome occasionally, it is important to keep in mind that you can do it. It may not be perfect this time or next but getting better is just a matter of time, hard work, and some guidance from a knowledgeable teacher. Of course, thinking this way is easier said than done when you find yourself struggling through a class. During these times, remember you must leave the comfort of what you already know in order to grow. If your teacher gave you only the things you already do well, you’d never improve. While practicing the things that feel comfortable is important in a dance class, you have to face challenges in order to advance in technique and performance. Your job as a student is to accept those challenges and trust that you’ll benefit from them. It’s not always easy, or fun, or comfortable. The hardest part is being willing to fail before you can succeed. When doubt starts to creep in consider this: Each failure brings you one step closer to success.

Combating the Can’ts

Most dancers are very hard on themselves. They’re the first to self-criticize and very rarely let themselves off the hook. Because dancers are ultimately responsible for their own learning and growth, a reasonable amount of self-analysis and scrutiny can be a very good thing. In fact, most good dancers need a degree of perfectionism in order to succeed. However, this same quality can be destructive when dancers let the criticisms take over and discourage them from believing that difficulties can be overcome.

One of the best (and sometimes worst) things about dance is that there is always something to strive for. We will never be great at everything and we’ll almost never do something perfectly the first time (or the second, or third…), or even every time. If we did there would be no reason to spend hours practicing each week. Remembering this in moments of insecurity may allow you to accept challenges and face them rather than giving up with an “I Can’t.”

The study of dance is a long, sometimes frustrating, often rewarding, path. If you keep a positive attitude, I can promise that you’ll find yourself that much closer to feeling comfortable with things that were once very difficult. Of course, you’ll also be battling new challenges! It never ends, but it’s never boring either!

Check out this post by Shawn Byfield. In his class “can’t” is a dirty word and uttering it has consequences!

This post was initially a sort of test page on the site. The content is more appropriate for a post. Therefore, I am relocating it. The original comments are below. Please feel free to add your own.

From gyl: This post is seriously inspiring. I find myself almost thinking of just giving up when I can’t catch up or when I do find a hard time with a certain choreography. I totally like this post. Thank You.

When do you find yourself saying/thinking these dreadful words?

How do you combat the I Can’ts?

Negativity

The mindset plays a very serious role in how we dance. Negative self-talk is damaging and has a way of oozing out to the people around you, actually affecting the performance of others. For instance, a little joke, a negative or sarcastic comment about your dancing can lead to another dancer feeling worse about any problems he/she may be having in the class. Even your teacher may feel as though she is failing the class in some way or respond to your negativity with more negativity.

At their best, negative comments accomplish absolutely nothing and, at their worst, succeed in increasing doubt and even hurt feelings throughout the class.

Once I had a teen in ballet class that seemed so unmotivated and negative. I could tell she liked barre but felt uncoordinated in center work. Her confidence was low in areas outside of dance and it was reflected in her lack of presentation with her upper body. I was determined to see her succeed in class, mostly because I could see that she didn’t believe she could. There was just no ignoring her, either! She was very negative about anything in class that she “couldn’t” do and used her quick wit to complain or put herself down, ruining everyone’s experience. I often felt horrible about the class afterward but, I knew that there was more to her actions than what was on the surface. I didn’t give up.

That year we did a dance with a variety of characters and I decided to play up the strengths in her lower body and letting her arms free flow as it fit for that particular character. Obviously we still worked on upper body in class but in the dance she was just as important as all the other characters. From that point on she was a different kid and improved her port de bras by 200%.

To illustrate how far she’d come, I wrote her a note at the conclusion of the year and encouraged her to avoid taking a step backward next year. You see, I was leaving and wanted her to keep going forward with a new teacher. I reminded her that a new instructor would have different and important things to teach her and asked her to imagine her progress if, from the beginning, she willingly responded to guidance without any negativity or fear.

Maybe you can identify with that student. Perhaps you are feeling insecure or uncertain. It’s easy to be afraid of something new, something untried, and of not being good enough at what you do try. Your strengths can and will shine more brightly than any weaknesses if you allow them. This is a lesson I think every dancer has to learn, myself included. In fact, it’s something I still struggle with every time I take a class that is challenging. Once you learn to truly appreciate what you do well, the areas in which you need improvement (which can seem overwhelming at times) will become less of a hindrance. Feeling good about yourself will unlock your full potential as a dancer, and possibly in other areas.

Others have lots to say on the topic of negative self-talk and/or positive thinking:
Dance (in this case belly dancing) and negative self-talk (the themes in this article can apply universally)
Psychology of Dance (also see an excerpt of this book here)
The Power of Positive Thinking
Enhancing the Body/Brain Connection
Train Your Brain: A Teen’s Guide to Well Being
Improve Your Attitude in Dance Class

How has negativity (yours or someone else’s) affected you in a dance class?

What are some things you can do to help “positively charge” the atmosphere?

Strengths and Weaknesses

Dancers are an interesting sub-species. Observing dance students in their natural habitat (the studio) reveals that they tend to revel in their strengths and dwell heavily on their weaknesses. Dancers maintain a detailed mental list of their shortcomings as they wistfully pine for the “natural” abilities of another. Meanwhile, a dancer will redundantly practice the things he/she is already good at. For example, those with high degrees of muscle elasticity can always be found stretching at every opportunity, quick and powerful movers constantly hone their ability to explode into a leap at any given moment, and “turners” spin like a top in a quest to eek out just one more revolution in their pirouette. When searching for the Achilles Heel of most any dance student, simply look to the skill which he or she most regularly avoids.

Mastering Strengths and Overcoming Weaknesses

In my opening I am gently mocking what I’ve witnessed both in the dance studio and even within myself at times. However, despite the tendencies of a dancer, there are dance students that manage to master their strengths and overcome substantial weaknesses in their desire to improve. TapDanceMan includes the focus on developing strengths and improving upon weaknesses as one of his 10 Habits of Highly Effective Dancers. And, he’s absolutely correct. A dancer’s ability to spend more time and effort on areas that are lacking than on the things that give the ego a little boost, separates him/her from the crowd. That doesn’t mean the dancer necessarily reduces time spent on strengths, just that he/she puts in extra time on the weaknesses instead of avoiding them. It’s hard to do this, to face our weaknesses head on and diligently overcome them while still keeping our edge on the things that come more naturally. But, there’s no way around it either. If you are aware of something that you’d like to improve, you can expect to get acquainted with TEDD in order to correct it: time, effort, desire, and diligence.

Transforming Weaknesses into Strengths

Some weaknesses can be turned into strengths. For example, in an article describing the success of the musical Chicago, Nancy Cameron muses on Bob Fosse’s highly stylized choreography, stating,

“He took all of his bad habits and utilized them to his advantage. He didn’t have great placement. For instance, he didn’t have clean use of his arms, so he’d detract from that by wearing gloves. He didn’t have a strong turn-out in his legs, so he’d turn-in instead.

“He transformed all of his habits, even the way he walked. You know how Fosse dancers tend to lean back, with their tail tucked under – that’s supposedly how he walked. And I’m not quite sure, but I think maybe he didn’t have a particularly good hairline, and that’s why he always wore a hat.”

Not everyone will have the success of Bob Fosse, however, James Robey at DanceArt.com does a great job of pointing out that within Fosse’s story there is a lesson to be learned on being yourself. This is not to say that you should stop working on the things that are problematic for you (remember, solid technique is important in preventing injury), only that you can learn to accept your quirks or the things you can’t change because they can actually help set you apart.

Learning from Others

It is dangerous to constantly compare yourself to others, however, a lot can be learned from observing the strengths and weaknesses of fellow dancers. If someone is doing something well, try to assess what they are doing that you are not. Try not to focus on what they’ve got that you don’t. Instead analyze their actions – for example, adding strong dynamics to the movement, sharply spotting turns, executing a deep plié before a jump, etc. Study the weaknesses of others in the same objective manner, making sure that you do not repeat their mistakes. Dancers that watch closely whenever they are not dancing during class will absorb and apply the corrections given, leading to noticeable improvement.

In the Zone

Often dancers must leave their comfort zones to recognize or address their strengths and weaknesses. It can take an awkward audition to realize that perhaps you need to work on your speed in picking up new choreography, for example. Likewise, you may not recognize your particular ability to connect with the music until a stranger in a master class mentions it. New discoveries can be made when you dare to push yourself into uncomfortable territory in class (going for that quadruple pirouette or letting go emotionally in a new combination, for example). In all of these situations, you may risk exposing a weakness, but recognition is the first step in improving or transforming that weakness. Plus, the risk is worth it if you discover a hidden strength.

Be Persistent

There are rarely quick fixes in dance and a smart and effective dancer knows this. Dancers often hit plateaus in their development before their next “growth spurt” (physically and mentally). If you’ve been working hard on something and feel like you’re stuck, read The Dance Primer’s account of how sometimes weaknesses can suddenly become strengths if you don’t give up. And speaking of not giving up, I’ve written a page that offers encouragement to those who are struggling: I Can’t encourages dancers to accept challenges in a positive manner and serves as a reminder that every dancer has strengths and every dancer has weaknesses.