Many dancers tend to be perfectionists. I am one myself and it is a real struggle sometimes to balance and cope with the resulting tendencies. I came across an interesting download that might give some insight. As I read this, I found some areas with which I fiercely identified and others not as much so the same may be true for your daughter. It offers some ideas about how you might help your daughter cope… breaking her goals into manageable pieces, studying up on “successful” people or idols and recognizing that they are often marked by setbacks… there’s more. Some or all of these might help your daughter work through her negative or perfectionist thoughts. As I reread the article, I realize how closely it relates to the Helping Dancers Deal with Disappointment article I just wrote on the blog. It was a connection I hadn’t necessarily made before! Anyway, here is the pdf. I hope you find it useful.

As for whether or not you’ve made the right decision, you might want to ask yourself if she shows this nature in dance only or if it is in other areas of her life as well. If it is dance only then you may need to ask why. And ask her specifically– Why does she think she gets so upset? What is she saying to herself when she spirals downward? Why is it so important to her? A lot of dealing with perfectionism is learning what is crucial and what isn’t… to a perfectionist everything is crucial. They need help working through what is (in reality) necessary for the task. If she gets into the cycle you may need to be the one to say enough – this could mean just refocusing the energy toward another activity, taking a breather with something she can feel more relaxed about, taking a break from competing, or leaving the environment alltogether. There isn’t a right or wrong – all you can do is continue to try and understand and talk through the options with her.

If your daughter works that hard, find her a studio that appreciates her. Please read my other post. Some dance studios have lost focus on what dance is about and are in it for themselves…so sad but true. You sound like an amazing MOM. Fight for her…look for a studio that will look for the pearl and not make her into a shark.

We found that studio at the beginning of my daughter’s junior year. We drive to another town to get there but it has been worth the drive. Trust me there are good studios out there.

I am sorry for what your daughter and you have been through. I hope that you can find a studio for her that will nuture, teach, and appreciate the good dancer that she is. Oh I spent time watching at the studios that I took my daughter to. I watched how the students treated eachother, how the teachers treated the students, and how the students treated each other. That can tell alot about a studio. The studio she is at now all said hello to her and when she did her combinations they all clapped for her…they clapped for eachother…they helped eachother…and the teacher corrected and praised. It is still that way.

There are studios like that… sometimes it just takes time to find them.

Jolene

I definitely agree that competition dance can be all consuming. My daughter is there six days a week, sometimes seven, not including all the workshops that are required. The studio posts a list of all the students who take additional hours over and above the required six hours. My daughter was involved with our local community theatre and really enjoyed it but wasn’t able to audition this past Fall because of her dance commitments. It really leaves little time for anything else.

I am a dance mom and am beginning my own competition. Aly’s (my daughter) journey has been a great, yet, at times difficult. She was deaf until she was five and had other medical problems as well. She did not start dancing until she was in the fifth grade. Needless to say, dance was difficult for her. She struggled to hear the beat, balance was difficult, and when she had a cold it was difficult to hear.

We switched studios several times as some of the teachers said she would never be a good dancer because of her past medical problems. Fortunately, Aly and I, did not listen. Her studio did not want her to do a solo in competition….Aly wanted to. So we persisited long enough that they gave in. She started out with a duet. She did well. She practiced and practiced and practiced. A couple of the studios that she was in were so critical when it came to competitions. If anyone messed up that person would immediately hear about it in front of other teams as well as her own… That is when my daughter wanted to quit dancing and I didn’t blame her.

We switched to another studio where they treated dancers like the loving human beings that they are. They only go to two competitions but perform all over the place. It is a pleasure to go there.

But, I got ahead of myself. Aly wanted to compete and so we decided that we would enter her as an independent at different competitions. We traveled together and would sometimes take another friend with us. The judges would be honest, and, Aly and I would take the critiques and work on her solos. We took them to her directors and they would help her.

I can not begin to tell you the self-esteem and confidence that Aly has at age 18. She is now a two time national champion. She loves to dance. All I can say is parents…listen to your child….second listen to your instincts…third love your dancer no matter how they do. It makes all the difference.

If you asked Aly the competition that she learned the most at, it is one that after winning many in a row she did not win. She was very upset and felt she deserved higher. I was disappointed in her behavior. We had a abouy a two hour drive home and her and I talked. We refer it to the Michelle Kwan talk. How no matter how well or bad she did, in front of the world she was graceful and grateful.

From that point on, Aly said that now she knows that it isn’t about winning but about having a good attitude. She does not always win but she now cheers on and congratulates everyone and comforts those who are disappointed. I have enjoyed watching her help a competitor before they go on to compete and cheering them on while they dance.

We have many friends in the dance world. I too have learned many lessons throughout this process. Competitions are only as good as the studio, the dancer, and the parents make it. Choose your studio wisely, praise your child requardless of how well they do, teach them to be kind to their competitors, grateful for the critiques to help them improve, and be sure to listen to them.

Know your studio. I have learned to check into the studio very closely. My daughter is on a team where loving eachother, helping eachother, and praising eachother is put in place by the attitudes of the teachers. They dress modestly and their music and their moves are always family friendly. They do very well at competitions.

Just thinking about this journey brings tears to my eyes. I am grateful for everything dance has done for my daughter. She guaduates this year and I am truly going to miss those times together. My hope is that everyone can find the joy that we have at competitions, dance, and together.

Jolene

There exists a trend among teachers and therefore parents regarding competition dance, particularly in the last few years, that disturbs me a bit. This is the overemphasis of the importance of competition experience. Competition is sort of guarded by many as being the only way to build confidence, or gain performance experience, motivate students… you name it. The thing is competition is only one way to do these things and just like anything else, how the experience is implemented and supported will determine its real impact for students.

As momof1 points out below, there is a stigma among many college educators about competitive dancers. It exists, not because there is something wrong with competition dance, but because many studios drop almost everything else for focus on competition… including training, technique, creative exploration, and other important facets of dance education. I compare this to “teaching to the test.” Teachers are working and spending a lot of energy on only the things needed to be successful in competition to the detriment of a well-rounded dance education.

The other thing that I would agree with that the previous poster said is that competition dancers usually can be involved in nothing else. My friend’s kids are at the studio 6 days per week. Oh and don’t forget the cost. It is huge between the costumes and the travel, hotel, food, transportation.

It’s a big commitment in time and money and from what I have been told it doesn’t advance you at all in any lifetime dance goals.

I can definitely appreciate your predicament. Keep in mind that often the casting of intensely competitive groups (and certainly professional companies) has alot to do with the physical mix of the group. I’m not sure if this is true for your daughter but the asst studio director may be just choosing incorrect language. I am not sure that I would necessarily say anything, especially if she’s getting opportunities at the studio. Being on the high pressure, national competition group, especially if they have a tenet that you must be aggressive and cutthroat mentality, might actually ruin your daughter’s love of dance. If that is not her personality anyway, it probably will not be fun for her, anyway.
It does sound like she is definitely getting the chances, she is competing and learning and assisting classes. Unfortunately, not everyone will be a rockette. I’ve had to break the news to my daughter that she’s probably not going to be taller than 5′3″ so regardless of her training, ability and drive, she’s never going to meet the criteria for a rockette. (They have to be 5′6″ or taller). Sometimes the casting has as much to do with how the student will fit into the group as their talent and capabilities.
If the discussion is part of a supportive conversation where you can get across to her that her self-esteem should be built on the things she cares about and not whether or not a particular comp group casts her. There are many, many options available for people who love dance. Let her come up with the things SHE values and use those to build her comfort around not being part of that particular group.
Good luck!

My suggestion is to wait, if possible, and make sure it’s something she is truly passionate about because it can be a significant commitment and a lot of work.

You might try attending the competitions and see if she loves hanging out there all day long and being immersed in dance and dancers. For this year, I’d plan to go to comp, support and hang out with her friends and see if its something she’s really into before making the commitment.
My 2 cents.

I just wrote a lot more on my philosophies for education and parenting but it is too long for a comment. I actually have a post coming up that deals with a similar subject and I think I’ll revise it to include some of these thoughts so please stay tuned!! I think what it comes down to is this: If the school is pushing this “cut-throat” mentality elsewhere and you are not comfortable with that or if the good does not outweigh the bad, I wouldn’t even bother with talking to the studio owner. If you feel like her not making the team is the only con in an otherwise positive experience then you may just have to accept that your daughter may never make the team and actually look for the positive in that as well. Their decision to focus on certain skills or talents is not necessarily poor teaching or even poor team management. They have a right to set their own goals for their team (we don’t have to agree with them) but remember for some it about winning and others about the process and you can’t force your perspective on anyone. It is their choice as an audition-only competitive team. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful student but of course what she deserves is not always what she will get as reward for her hard work. That is unfortunately just a reality. I shudder to think of the downside to only ever getting what I deserve because sometimes I don’t deserve what I get!

On a side note, Dance Advantage has a forum – http://danceadvantage.ning.com – parents are welcome there and while I am not opposed to the conversation continuing here on the blog, this is a big topic that may deserve it’s own thread over there.