Comments on: Bullying in Dance Class

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 11:51:03 +0000

Hi southwellies,

I can tell you what would happen with me if consistent belittling was used as a motivator… I’d remove my child and either find a new school or a new activity. In some places there are long-standing institutions that feel this works for them to produce top-level dance students. And, to some extent it probably does work for them – fear and intimidation are great motivators. So perhaps reputation is keeping you or others from pulling your child out but if the whole school is operating this way, and they get results, then asking nicely probably is not going to get you anywhere.

Unless perhaps this is some kind of state/government-funded school (and maybe not even then) there are not going to be regulations/policies of protection. Your recourse against this is taking your child out of a potentially harmful situation. You give permission to what you put up with. Money talks in private businesses especially. Losing enough students may force a change. But if it IS a place that’s getting results then many people will decide that it’s worth staying. The question is, is it worth it to you? If not, don’t waste time hoping or expecting or wishing someone else will change things, remove your child.

Wishing you the best possible outcome!

By: southwellies

southwellies — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 05:14:27 +0000

What happens when the perpetrators are the ‘dance teachers’ ?
They call the children ‘useless’ and ‘scatty’ that they are ‘letting the team down’ and ‘elephants’ and threaten that the child will not be in ‘the show’. They shout at them and constantly put the children down instead of praising their good behaviours and efforts.
What example are they leading to the pupils when they use archaic principles in running classes where the child who is not as good is belittled and humiliated and put down in front of the class.
There must be an accountability by these adults so that our children can maximise their potential in a friendly environment.
What policies are there to protect our children when asking nicely to be considerate has not worked?

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 20:33:48 +0000

Well, actually it seems that this director is willing to do something. She’s expressed that she wants to address it with the class. I think it is unfortunate that she doesn’t recognize or acknowledge that ‘catty’ behavior is how girls bully but this is a common lack of awareness (and why the article above and those like it are important, I think: to increase awareness).

Marianne, feel free to contact me rather than continue here: nichelle AT danceadvantage Dot net.

I’m curious to know what outcome you were hoping for, as it seems that the director is willing to work on a solution that includes having a talk with the girls. I agree that your daughter should not let bullies stop her from doing what she wants to do. And, unless there are other reasons for being dissatisfied at the school, this includes leaving the school. This doesn’t mean she must put up with bullying, it means she should persevere despite bullying while the adults around her address the problem.

By: Marianne

Marianne — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:35:42 +0000

Well, I tried. But this was the response I got back from the director of the school, so I will just have my daughter finish out the year, not audition for the spring production, and look for another school for next year. Thanks for your support – I wish I had a more favorable outcome from the school rather than to just tell my daughter to fight back.

“I am sorry to hear about this situation, and I am glad that M__ shared this with you. The best advice I can give is to tell M__ to answer those girls right back and to never let anyone else define what you want to do. The comments you described below with the candle incident I would describe as “catty.” However if I knew about it I could address it immediately. There have been many times that I have had to address behavioral problems among the younger groups so I have no problem talking to the groups again. In fact I will make a point to discuss it at the next audition. If I had known earlier perhaps I could have put an end to it before it got so out of hand. Let me assure you that we have never had any one not go onstage because of negative comments or had any one go onstage in tears. Please relay to M__ that I will talk to the kids as a group, and if further steps need to be taken I will need to talk to the specific kids involved. Most importantly please tell M__ that you should never let anyone else take away what you want to do. If M__ wants to audition for the spring show she should not let these girls stand in her way. That means that they won so to speak. M__ is a kind person and showed concern for her friends by… but I think M__ was more concerned about it then the girl involved since I have not heard otherwise. I would advice in the future as I have told all the kids that if there is an issue come and find me. I would have kept all the parents and kids involved after rehearsal and addressed it directly. It is hard for me to get a clear picture of what this harassment was without specifics. If it continues please let me know who to speak to specifically and I will have a conference with their parents. I hope M__ can find the parts of the show that she enjoyed, remember those moments, and let the bad go. If anything I think M__ probably learned a valuable lesson which she can carry with her, which is not to be afraid to stand up for herself.”

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 15:01:26 +0000

This is classic relational bullying, Marianne. It’s not petty or tattling or just girls will be girls stuff. Yes, it happens in life and this IS the way some girls act but bullying can have serious consequences. We make bullying okay when it is allowed to continue.

Definitely take a look at that pdf in my last comment. It lays things out step by step. You’ll even notice that it says that sometimes when the child tries to “ignore” their comments, it only gets worse.

You might simply ask to schedule a meeting with the director, letting her know that your daughter has been feeling disturbed and unsure of what to do about comments directed toward her by two other girls. Be warm but not apologetic in your tone because showing that you aren’t certain this needs addressing may make the director less inclined to address it. When you speak, just be straightforward – what you told me is a good start. Then, as I said before, let the director know you want to cooperate with the school to find a way to stop the bullying so that your daughter can feel safe and respected in the environment. If the director feels at a loss or asks what you think should be done, point her to any of the resources in the above article. Expect that something will be done and that the bullying will stop, but check in with your daughter to see how things are going and if it continues, speak with the director again.

Best of luck, Marianne! I hope this is resolved quickly and easily.

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 14:22:04 +0000

That’s wonderful to know! The environment and leadership at a school can make all the difference. Thanks for checking back in and have a very happy holiday season.

By: Marianne

Marianne — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 13:11:10 +0000

I hesitate to sound petty or like I am “tattling”. The last few weeks of practice, I could tell something was wrong – my daughter, usually bubbly and talkative when she would come home from practice, now very quiet. Finally we talked and she told me about two girls who keep coming up to her at practice telling her she stinks at her part, and her hair is wrong – typical catty girl things (these girls are only 8-9 years old). I told her how to handle herself, not to respond – if she didn’t respond back it would not give them more “ammunition.” I explained she did not do anything wrong – this is just how some people are. But the last week has been awful – tech week and performance. Things got worse – yesterday, after performance – we picked her up, all excited it was completed and handed her a bouquet of flowers, and she looked at me and said, “OK. I’m cold can we please leave now?” Very odd and disturbing. So, we went out for a celebratory dinner and my son, who is 11, put his arm around her and said, “Molly … please tell mom what happened.” It sounds petty, one two little girls standing in line with her backstage, and just as they’re ready to go on, they turn to her and say, “the whole audience is going to be laughing at you – your makeup looks ridiculous and you are funny looking.” Now, what would have happened if my daughter who have burst into tears and walked onto the stage crying? Anyway, I apologize for this long post. I am going to formulate something to send to the director/instructor. My daughter loves the way her classes are taught – very structured, no talking allowed during class – very focused on technique, which is what she wanted. She wants to learn the proper way to dance, not just spend a year in dance school learning a routine to perform at a recital. This school does no recitals – they give the students the option to learn to perform and apply what they’ve learned but auditioning for Nutcracker and then a spring show. After this last series of events, my daughter said two of her friends want her to try out with them for the spring show, but she says she does not want to. I’m trying to raise strong daughters, who are respectful of others and kind, but yet strong enough to stand up for themselves – this is just breaking my heart. Any suggestions how to approach this, or what to say?

By: Mother of two dancers

Mother of two dancers — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 10:05:34 +0000

Just wanted to let you know the outcome for my girls. We have moved dance schools and the teacher and students are very supportive of each other. The move has been a completely positive experience. Also, the girls are so happy that their dancing has improved and their confidence is fantastic now. At their end of year performance my friend commented on how they look like different dancers and have confidence.

Kind regards

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 04:29:58 +0000

Hi Marianne,

I am curious, what’s holding you back from talking with the teacher/director about the recurring problem?

I am guessing your daughter has spoken with you about the bullying. It’s a good idea to get as much factual information from her as possible about the incidences. You may also want to ask her what she thinks should be done.

I can’t say if you are harming your daughter or her love of ballet but the bullying is not doing her any good, either so I think it is important to find a solution. The bullying may not stop without some intervention by adults so going to the teacher is a logical step. But present facts and let him/her know you want to work together to find a way to stop the bullying.

I recommend having a look at this helpful pdf: http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/HHS_PSA/pdfs/SBN_Tip_21.pdf

Best of luck! Let me know of the outcome if you do talk to the director.

By: Marianne

Marianne — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 04:00:32 +0000

I do not know what to do – my daughter was in her first Nutcracker performance and was bullied consistently throughout practices and then backstage – of course, when no adults were around. It is so sad. She is a kind girl and cannot understand why they are doing this to her. She has friends. She loves the ballet, but says she’ll only go to class where no one is allowed to talk, so they don’t bully her – but she will not audition for any productions because she fears the bullying. I hate to bring this to the attention of the teacher/director of the school, yet, it is harming my daughter and her love of ballet by keeping quiet about it?

By: Nichelle (admin)

Nichelle (admin) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 02:22:32 +0000

I’m sorry that your daughter has faced such a situation. Awareness on the part of all three groups: teachers, parents, and students, is crucial in curtailing and ultimately halting bullying. It’s why the post was written: to build awareness in hope that more children can feel safe in their learning environment (dance or otherwise).

By: Mother of two dancers

Mother of two dancers — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 00:51:00 +0000

Unfortunately my daughter has recently been bullied in a dance class. The offending student spread malicious sexual rumours about my child. I reported it to the scchool but unfortunately they didn’t deal with it. My child had the maturity to speak to the offender and also speak to their parent but the situatio was not resolved. She has now pretended to make up to make her life easier. She has since left the school and I feel for the next child that is subjected to the same treatment.

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